Death and Dying

I don't let people get close to me though I crave company and conversation. There are two reasons that I've identified for this mindset in me. 

First, I don't think I could survive the loss of another close friend or loved one. That's a pretty straightforward concern.

Second, as my health deteriorates with age (and milage) and the care that I may need in the not too distant future I can't picture myself having another person to clean me up from the mess old age will likely bring. I forfeited a family of my own, in part, because I stayed home with first my grandfather and then my mother in order to keep them out of the horrific nursing homes. So, I know what would be required of others to care for anyone.

As I get closer to the inevitable and consider I find myself dreading what I worked so hard to save the two most important people in my life from I struggle to figure out how to avoid that for myself. None of my solutions are something to talk about in polite company. But sometimes I just long to say it out loud without judgement.

I went through a bout of severe depression around 20 years ago. I called the "help line" and they sent cops and ambulance and then required follow-up counseling. I never indicated to them that I wanted self harm nor harm of another. But they just sent the storm troopers anyway. It ended up being like on probation.

I shit you not!

So, I hope, dear reader, that you might understand the predicament I find myself in now.

I guess I'll just lay here until I figure it out.